And the first thing I think of is…
Incidentally, one of my favorite ice cream (?) in Korea!
(This picture was taken long long ago on my one of my long, random walks in Korea. I remember that I walked around Hannam-dong, ended up somewhere else, took a random bus, and ended up near Sinsadong lol)
No. I’m not talking about the ice-cream. But rather, finding back the “fluttering feeling” that I had. The feeling that I once associated with Korean.
I think I’ve mentioned it several times before, but didn’t dare to actually say it outright. But here goes:
My passion and love for Korean isn’t burning as bright as before.
I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I’ve talked to a few people about it, and most of them give me the “see, it’s time to stop making Korean such a big part of your life” advice and that I should “move on from this hobby”. The bottom line of their advices is that “I have dedicated enough time to a language. Move on.”.
It’s funny how the word forever tends to be used less and less as we grow up. We grow more cautious to using this word, seeing how things generally come to an end at some point or another. I did believe that I can love Korean as fiercely as I did for the rest of my life. But it turns out that I’m faltering.
Now comes the big question. WHY.
Simply put, I’ve began to associate Korean with stress / reality as I try my utmost to bring it to the central stage in my life. The harder I try, the larger the role the country/language plays in my life, the less I enjoy it and the more miserable I got.
Also, I’m in the midst of looking for a job. Job hunting is really tough – it makes you question your own worth(lessness), what you really want, what you actually can do, finding the balance between reality and your wants, and to deal with the stress, guilt, fear that inevitably builds up when you realize things are harder / reality is harsher than you think. I’m trying to think positive and treat the whole process as another learning experience.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to remain productive and spend my free time on languages. However, I can’t help feeling guilty that I’m sitting at home and I can’t help but think that I’m not working hard enough to find a job. I wonder if I should still indulge in my therapy (language learning) and if I deserve to spend my time learning languages. Trying not to let the guilt get to me. It’s a vicious cycle. >.<
A friend once said that Korean, which used to take away stress, induced stress when she started to associate Korean with negative emotions she had of other stuff. That’s what happening. Whatever stress I had been feeling has nothing to do with the language directly, but somehow it just got associated.
I did wonder if I should put it in my blog. Saying how I started to lose passion for a subject that I’ve been basing my blog upon doesn’t seem to be the best idea. But then again, this is a probably a stage that I have to pass to test my love for Korean hahaha. Having negative feelings is not wrong. It’s normal. What is important is whether you can be honest with yourself and learn to deal with things positively. Writing it out helps to put everything into perspective and forces me to think about how I really feel about Korean.
mmm at the end of the day, I still love the language which has been a source of therapy for me for the past few years. ❤
p.s. I ordered a Japanese grammar dictionary (in Korean) online and I can’t wait to have it. 😀