Ebb and Flow

February past by in a blur. It was a busy and productive month but sometimes the hectic schedule made me feel even emptier inside. It has been quite some time since I last neglected my blog for so long, and by association, neglected the things that came to define me and my identity. I’ve written about the difficulties I have trying to balance the different aspects of life and sometimes I feel like I’m so caught up in some insignificant things that I wonder if it’s worth all the effort at the end of the day. While I’m totally grateful and appreciative of the opportunities I’m given and the chance to widen my perspectives and knowledge, sometimes I feel a little sad that I’m moving further and further away from my passions back then. I cannot decide if I should follow my heart or brain and I guess that’s really the issue I have. 飛蛾撲火. 明知路不好走,還是嚮往。I thought I got it out of my system but I guess not?

Feeling a bit down at the moment, and I think that’s made worse by the fact that it’s a Sunday (weekend ending!) and that I just finished re-reading 步步驚心 again. The book gets me in the gut every.time. My emotions are so easily affected by literary works and I’m listening to sad music as I’m typing out this post. 多愁善感.

I don’t know if anyone knows I’ve moved my Tumblr but yep. Please follow me 🙂 I think I have less of a tendency to do pointless rants there (unlike on Twitter) so I’ll probably update as and when I have time. Seeing all the langblrs and people who are soo enthusiastic about Korean (or foreign languages) made me feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy that there are many people who share my interest, but sad in that I’m somewhat a shadow of my past self. I no longer have the enthusiasm (as of now) to write about language learning, especially since I have not been doing much in that aspect. It’s probably telling that I feel more inspired by my past self and often marvel at the fact that I spent so much time and effort in language :’). The language blogs that I use to read are mostly no longer around and I find it hard to keep myself updated on the new wave of langblrs and blogs. There’s also that insecurity that I’m no longer as good as I thought I was and I’m being overtaken. But what am I to say. I have not been putting in effort.

Sorry this is getting so depressing lol. (really, typing a post after finishing a sad novel is totally not a good idea…)

The issue I have with myself now is that I’m starting to yearn for something that I thought I’ve gotten out of my system. And even worse is that I don’t feel like doing anything about it (and perhaps afraid to) and hoping that it will just resolve itself. I’m totally not facing it head-on and I don’t know if it’s a small comfort that I’ve so much self-awareness.

People tell me they admire my passions. I used to feel really happy but in recent years, I always wonder if I’m deserving of the praises.

I’m lost and I know it.

Come to think about it, 2013 was probably a turning point of some sorts.

I’m reserving the rest of Sunday for things I really enjoy, but I think it’s sad that I cannot seem to fully enjoy it without a nagging voice telling me that I’ve more productive things I need to do and other things that I need to work on too.

偷得半日閒,卻無法放下。

Comments

  1. Reply

    Ugh being an adult sucks but then at the same time good in some aspects.
    I really felt that when we talked on facetime(?) lol.
    And yes, Shanna, you are truly deserving of the admiration you are getting.
    You’re the inspiration for us Korean/Japanese learners.

    1. Reply

      aww Jeannie, you are always the best (: hahaha. It was so fun to call you randomly, let’s do that again next time 😛
      I’ll work harder (:

  2. Reply

    I just recently came across your blog and as a beginning self-learner I really find it helpful! Don’t be too hard on yourself, things will work out. You just need some time.

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